Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.

   Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.