Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Russians; the other white p eople.

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   SPOILER: Ren & Stimpy kill Yoda.

   Nowhere in the nursery rhyme does it mention that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

   I'm really tired but it's OK. There's a nap for that.

   Listen science. I see all your progress with erectile dysfunction and all. And that's great. But yo. Wireless phone chargers. For realsies.

   Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   There is nothing like listening to Led Zeppelin to drown out the Jonas Brothers break up. . .

   I just found out my mother-in-law is going to be staying with us for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Well, it looks like I have to clean out the hall closet again.....she is going to need somewhere to hang upside down and sleep

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   That Judge was associated with the Mexican activist group "La Raza" Dummy and yes you do join that group.

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.

   Since building the 6 million dollar man in the 70s, he's depreciated in value so much over time he's now known as 50cent.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.