Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people

   FLASH floods are just regular floods except they show you their junk!

   Russians; the other white p eople.

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   SPOILER: Ren & Stimpy kill Yoda.

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   That Judge was associated with the Mexican activist group "La Raza" Dummy and yes you do join that group.

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .

   Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   saw a magician driving today,first time I looked he was the only one driving,when I looked again a women suddenly appeared in the passenger seat