Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out my mother-in-law is going to be staying with us for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Well, it looks like I have to clean out the hall closet again.....she is going to need somewhere to hang upside down and sleep

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.

   Since building the 6 million dollar man in the 70s, he's depreciated in value so much over time he's now known as 50cent.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people

   FLASH floods are just regular floods except they show you their junk!

   Russians; the other white p eople.

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   SPOILER: Ren & Stimpy kill Yoda.

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   That Judge was associated with the Mexican activist group "La Raza" Dummy and yes you do join that group.

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .