Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Womp womp' will be the sound Corey Lewandowski's butt will be making in prison after the Mueller investigation wraps up.

   MAGA - Macdonalds and Golf Again!

   dancing my cares away...down at Fraggle Rock!

   When you confront your Man, don't make him feel interrogated. Remember, you could win the argument and still lose the Man.

   I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy. And I've found out if you join all the dots together with a marker pen... ...it doesn't wash off.

   In hindsight, maybe 10 hours of being warned of a pending apocalypse was too soon to eat my family........

   To get up in the morning only to know that you will have to face another obstacle takes strength.To act happy and laugh when you know that times are at their worst takes courage. Personaly, I do drugs instead.

   Neighbor not a radioactive zombie. Btw, completely unrelated, but any ideas for an "I'm sorry" gift for someone in hospital.......

   If someone throws a stone at you...Throw a flower at them,,just make sure its still in the pot ;p

   Tough times don't last, but tough people do.

   When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

   redneck word:debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate

   celebrating columbus day with a home invasion.

   I could use some sexual harassment 

   You have the perfect face for the radio.

   Guys who claim they are players usually get no plays. Beware of the quiet private ones.

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   This girl just caught me staring at her, but I played it off by yelling “Cool wall behind that girl's head!”

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.

   Sometimes if I get scared at night..I just tell myself there are no such things as ghost only clumsy ninjas....