Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unlike 'the others', I have 27 cats for normal reasons.

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn"

   I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   come on guys give me something worth snatching

   'Womp womp' will be the sound Corey Lewandowski's butt will be making in prison after the Mueller investigation wraps up.

   Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.

   Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

   I jist wants ma monies froms da guberments and not gets shot at whiles I be doin bidness

   I am all for self-inflicted Democrat genocide. That is why I am pro-choice. Do we really want more sniveling liberals?

   dancing my cares away...down at Fraggle Rock!

   When you confront your Man, don't make him feel interrogated. Remember, you could win the argument and still lose the Man.

   I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy. And I've found out if you join all the dots together with a marker pen... ...it doesn't wash off.

   In hindsight, maybe 10 hours of being warned of a pending apocalypse was too soon to eat my family........

   To get up in the morning only to know that you will have to face another obstacle takes strength.To act happy and laugh when you know that times are at their worst takes courage. Personaly, I do drugs instead.

   Neighbor not a radioactive zombie. Btw, completely unrelated, but any ideas for an "I'm sorry" gift for someone in hospital.......

   If someone throws a stone at you...Throw a flower at them,,just make sure its still in the pot ;p

   Tough times don't last, but tough people do.