Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   I really hope I don't get abducted by aliens. I haven't learned to speak Spanish yet!

   Danggggit! Lets just put Louisana on Craiglist! Maybe the French can buy it back.

   its gotten so bad around here, someone is trying to start a Macarena dance....

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)

   Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Barry, and Anne Hathaway all portrayed Catwoman without flaunting their buttholes at people even once. Unrealistic.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   How do you scare a Brit half to death?Dress like a dental hygienist

   wants a hug

   if I'm not back in five minutes.....call Obama. He'll know what to do

   I'm a White man, and working for a living was my idea.

   Obama probably called Romney and said "I don't see how you can hate from outside the White House, you can't even get in.

   Funny....I don't remember eating corn...?

   Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're a fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them....

   When I flush the toilet I like to yell "SH!TS GOING DOWN!!!" in my best gangster voice.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!