Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   I really hope I don't get abducted by aliens. I haven't learned to speak Spanish yet!

   finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   I hope every school yard bully finds the kid from the Toyota Highlander commercials and mercilessly beat him.

   It was recently reported that House Speaker Pelosi stated that "There has never been a more open process" regarding the Health Care Reform Bill." Which begs the question, is she smoking marijuana for a medical condition?

   Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

   Why am I so mean? My heart was made of chocolate so I ate it. Now I have no heart and no chocolate! Wouldn't that make you mean??

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end... ahahahahaha....did I kill the series? Can we be done with Vampires Light ?

   Danggggit! Lets just put Louisana on Craiglist! Maybe the French can buy it back.

   its gotten so bad around here, someone is trying to start a Macarena dance....

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)

   Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Barry, and Anne Hathaway all portrayed Catwoman without flaunting their buttholes at people even once. Unrealistic.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   How do you scare a Brit half to death?Dress like a dental hygienist