Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   Just for the sake of argument, let's say I'm right about everything.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   Why does everyone say "You bet your ass?" Is there really a lot of value in an ass?

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is!!

   When one door closes, another door opens. If not, I'm climbing through the window.

   so excited I'm jumping up and down on a couch now. - Katie Holmes

   From a distance you look like someone I'd like.

   I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.

   I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am

   I'm too happy to want to read a woman's mind.

   My life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.

   Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

   The words "Serious" and "Facebook" DO NOT go hand in hand. Please pack your feelings in a suitcase and travel back to wherever you where before you discovered Facebook.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.