Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   janet jackson flashes a titty and all hell breaks loose, while on the other hand rick ross can just flaunt his knockers anywhere he wants