Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...

   spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat

   .... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn

   I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech.