Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat

   .... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn

   I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech.

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?