Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   wishes Jersey Shore was like survivor, so they could all vote Sammi off the island.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   my favorite coffee is made from the shutthehellup bean 😡

   I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.

   I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   I went to Ferguson, MO and all I looted was this lousy T-shirt...

   Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   "Can I get that in camouflage?" White guys named Cody.

   Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   Those with no sense of humor have no idea how much entertainment they provide those of us that do.

   I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.

   The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.