Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   wishes Jersey Shore was like survivor, so they could all vote Sammi off the island.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   my favorite coffee is made from the shutthehellup bean 😡

   Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   Those with no sense of humor have no idea how much entertainment they provide those of us that do.

   I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.

   The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%"

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   I went to Ferguson, MO and all I looted was this lousy T-shirt...

   Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to