Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.

   Just saw a commercial for the new movie "Hop". I don't think I'll ever look at jellybeans the same way again! ;)

   Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)

   welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!

   Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

   Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.

   Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Thursday.

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   North Dakota State campus evacuated due to a bomb threat. Both students are suspects...

   I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this.

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my FB!.....", just to get them to read all the jo kes i've posted.

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??