Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3039 of 6446

Just saw a commercial for the new movie "Hop". I don't think I'll ever look at jellybeans the same way again! ;)

Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)
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07-11-2011 18:42
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welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!
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07-26-2011 22:55
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Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
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11-05-2012 14:23
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Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

I said to my niece, “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”
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11-19-2012 19:26 by Mick J
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Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.
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11-25-2012 10:55
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Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Thursday.
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07-04-2013 11:26 by Niltzz
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I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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08-15-2013 03:48 by BigSarge
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North Dakota State campus evacuated due to a bomb threat. Both students are suspects...
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09-14-2012 11:51
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I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this.
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09-30-2012 08:43
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Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"
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10-08-2012 21:05
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When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my FB!.....", just to get them to read all the jo kes i've posted.
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05-07-2013 15:13 by Jwitty
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Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

I actually Luke autocorrect
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05-24-2013 23:25 by snotty
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You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??
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06-22-2013 21:59
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Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.
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07-21-2012 04:58 by vimvanvos
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We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys
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07-25-2012 18:45 by Huck
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"Dude I wasn't that drunk".... "Dude you started watching the Twilight Trilogy"
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07-28-2012 01:57
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