Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.

   Pro Tip: You're not truly a parent until you've given your child the middle finger behind their back while mouthing, "F*ck you!"

   If you apply yourself it's entirely possible to keep your opinion to yourself and just shut up and vote............

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Daughter: "Mom, you are in my personal space." Mom: "You came out of my personal space."

   If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

   If I worked at Starbucks, I'd ask for your name then write it on the cup with quotation marks like I don't believe you.

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and crazy in her head.

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.

   I cooked for you. ~ a short horror story

   "When you grow up and are paying all the bills, then you can make up arbitrary rules about why you get the last slice of bacon" ~ Me, parenting.

   10 year old son: What was it like? ME: What was what like? SON: Being alive in the 1900's? ME: Go to your room.

   Taking my mom to McDonald's for breakfast she's the best ❤️

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost. *goes to Ikea*

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!