Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.

   Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.