Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.

   If I hear that Happy song one more time I think I'm going to cry.

   Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.

   Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.

   No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

   I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!

   I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

   The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.

   I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!

   If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.

   Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.