Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   If I hear that Happy song one more time I think I'm going to cry.

   Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.

   Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.

   No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

   I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!

   I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?