Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3030 of 6446

All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too
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11-24-2016 18:31
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When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.
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11-26-2016 10:36
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Why does this day just keep repeating itself?
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02-02-2017 20:04
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Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!
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02-15-2017 05:49
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True love means never having to pick just one hole.

It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.
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05-29-2019 22:11
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Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.
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06-11-2019 06:46
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If I hear that Happy song one more time I think I'm going to cry.
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06-14-2014 06:35
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Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!
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07-10-2014 19:13 by Steve OH
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In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.
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10-19-2014 09:39
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Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.
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11-11-2014 21:15
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No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.
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01-10-2016 12:40
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I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!
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01-10-2016 21:28
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I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
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01-29-2016 00:45
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This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?
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01-29-2016 12:22
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The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.
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01-30-2016 12:25
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I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!
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02-10-2016 15:12
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If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.
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02-10-2016 22:10 by BEGO
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Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.
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02-25-2016 14:16
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