Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh so you're not a slut? What are you a volunteer prostitue or something?

   It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

   you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere

   If Satan punishes the evildoers, wouldn't that make him a good guy?

   Life is what you make it! Be careful what ingredients you add!

   Me and the ex used to do a bit of roleplaying once in a while, Well, uhhh, lemme tell you this much.... that was the first and last time I ever used my "Sean Connery" accent to ask her to sit on my face...... :(

   I went to the doctors the other day fearing I mave have gotten an S.T.D., he asked if I used protection....Well obviously, duh...... gloves, ski-mask, dark clothing, chloroform....

   If jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SINGING ABOUT IT!!..

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Quit while you're ah

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...

   Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble

   When will FOX realize that they are the only squares who spell it "Usama"..

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

   Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.

   The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.

   I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .