Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...

   Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble

   When will FOX realize that they are the only squares who spell it "Usama"..

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

   Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.

   The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.

   I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .

   For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything.

   I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.

   Wonder what events al-Qaeda will be participating in.

   i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..

   How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.