Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3016 of 6446

Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...
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02-27-2011 12:54
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Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble
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04-14-2011 08:27 by skypull
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When will FOX realize that they are the only squares who spell it "Usama"..
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05-02-2011 11:55
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I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.
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08-19-2011 13:58
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Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.
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08-25-2011 08:24
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The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.
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06-02-2011 13:41 by elpedro
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I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .
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06-03-2011 18:25
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For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything.
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06-06-2011 21:28 by BEGO
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I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
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12-02-2012 05:47
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Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
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12-13-2012 12:48 by Aaron
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Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.
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07-24-2012 05:46
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Wonder what events al-Qaeda will be participating in.

i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..
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07-28-2012 18:35
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How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
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08-03-2012 07:39
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If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
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01-11-2013 11:46 by snotty
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My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.