Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side
←Rate | 02-26-2011 18:49 by whitecube387 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...
←Rate | 02-27-2011 12:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble
←Rate | 04-14-2011 08:27 by skypull Comments (0)  


   messageicon When will FOX realize that they are the only squares who spell it "Usama"..
←Rate | 05-02-2011 11:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.
←Rate | 08-12-2011 17:05 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.
←Rate | 08-19-2011 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.
←Rate | 08-25-2011 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.
←Rate | 06-02-2011 13:41 by elpedro Comments (0)  


   messageicon I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .
←Rate | 06-03-2011 18:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything.
←Rate | 06-06-2011 21:28 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
←Rate | 12-02-2012 05:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
←Rate | 12-13-2012 12:48 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.
←Rate | 07-24-2012 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wonder what events al-Qaeda will be participating in.
←Rate | 07-27-2012 22:10 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..
←Rate | 07-28-2012 18:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
←Rate | 08-03-2012 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 11:46 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
←Rate | 02-08-2013 18:30 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.
←Rate | 04-06-2013 14:55 by hihuggiehi Comments (1)  


   messageicon If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.
←Rate | 04-17-2013 12:12 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  




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