Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wake up in the morning.... my mind: nope. my body: nope. my d!<K: let's rock!

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

   Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   The very existence of the flamethrowers status proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to contribute, but I am not original."

   '̿'̿̿\̵͇̿̿\з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿

   believes walking like George Jefferson will burn 1000 calories a day

   Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   thinks it's funny how Google Chrome's spell-checker dictionary doesn't have the word "Google" in it

   : BREAKING NEWS.... Scientist have discovered a cure for apathy, but no one seems to care.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!

   throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.

   OMG Starbucks is raising the cost of coffees/lattes by another 10 cents..I cant afford it anymore!!!!!!!!! $ 4.50 was the highest I could pay !!!!

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.