Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has a request…if something should happen to me would someone change my status and harvest my farm town crops?

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   just wanted to let everybody know that she is Okay! I know it scared me on the radio when I first heard the rumors, But I Called her and she is fine.. My Grandma did not get run over by a Reindeer!"

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   I put a trojan magnum on once.....felt like a 6 year old in an adult sleeping bag!

   If men really wrote answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   NFL replacement refs...Wonder if they think airplane windows roll down too...

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   Catch her coming out the bathroom from that morning shower and give her a reason to go back in and take another one

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   I often want to pull up along side some moron talking / texting on their cell phone and ask them if they would drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up their a**, sideways.

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They're treated like children, and expected to act like adults.

   Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this christmas by giving her a shovel.

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.