Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3004 of 6446

Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.
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05-12-2015 11:49
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Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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05-25-2015 12:16 by snotty
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My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago
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07-14-2014 21:57 by Cicci
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I'd put down my phone for you.
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07-23-2014 10:00
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2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.
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07-25-2014 09:35 by Mitch
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I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave
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09-02-2014 15:35
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Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?
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10-11-2014 11:04 by Fetthead
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The heart wants what the liquor store has.
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11-18-2014 11:56 by Baddie
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The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
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03-11-2014 04:29 by Baddie
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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03-28-2014 20:04 by Fluff!!
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there such a thing as an April Fools' pregnancy test? Asking for a friend.
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04-01-2014 13:46
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It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.
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04-08-2014 00:54
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I knew the sex was over when she woke up.
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04-15-2014 12:44
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Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!
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04-23-2014 13:13 by Baddie
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I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".

Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR
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06-05-2014 00:45
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Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor
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09-18-2013 13:43
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What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?
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11-25-2013 19:12 by snotty
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