Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.

   Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.

   I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave

   Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

   Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   there such a thing as an April Fools' pregnancy test? Asking for a friend.

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!