Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   If you have a frownie eat a brownie -My Grandma

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   I would like to see a soccer player play real football and a real football player play soccer and see who cries first.

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   This has been the worst Monday since last Monday.

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.

   Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.