Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor pays for the premium channels.

   I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.

   Just found out that I've been on double secret probation for quite sometime now.

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man.

   I'm old but not "Change to Channel 3 to play video games" old.

   "Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost

   Not everyone in the front row is a fan. Your biggest hater will disguise themselves as a friend so that they can get closest to you and strike at close range.

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.

   I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave

   Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

   Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?