Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.

   Doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle -- N. Schwarzkopf

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.

   They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse

   The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two damn high.

   Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   If you hold your shoe up to your ear in public, you can hear the sound of people laughing at you for looking like a dumb-a$$.

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   If you insist on acting like an idiot then I must insist on treating you like one.

   you don't realize the importance of things until they are taken away from you