Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   Never trust a person who just throws away bubble wrap without at least popping a few before they do.

   Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

   all I really want is someone to love me as much as kanye west loves himself

   The problem with the world today is that way too many people are living their lives in theory in the virtual world.

   People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something.

   Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

   I switched to midget p0rn to save space on my hard drive.

   Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".

   Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question

   Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.

   Doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle -- N. Schwarzkopf

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.

   All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!

   Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.

   They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse

   The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two damn high.