Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.

   With the possibility of the NFL season being cancelled, you would think that no players would be going under the knife, but...

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I heard the Royle wedding is having a horse drawn carriage or Prince Charles just calls her Camilla

   Can I fill my gas tank with Bin Laden's blood?

   I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...

   at the zoo today with all the little kids running around, oh wait a minute its just Walmart.

   Dose the show glee remind anyone of the Mickey Mouse clubhouse?

   Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

   I wish Caillou the very best, but there is no way that whiny brat is surviving past middle school!

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   Pain changes people. Don't hurt them if you don't want them to change on you.

   what's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?