Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.

   All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

   I used to complain because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him if he had any shoes I could have since he didn't need them anymore.

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.

   With the possibility of the NFL season being cancelled, you would think that no players would be going under the knife, but...

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I heard the Royle wedding is having a horse drawn carriage or Prince Charles just calls her Camilla

   Can I fill my gas tank with Bin Laden's blood?

   I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...