Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.

   The Un-United States of America.....

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.

   With the possibility of the NFL season being cancelled, you would think that no players would be going under the knife, but...

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I heard the Royle wedding is having a horse drawn carriage or Prince Charles just calls her Camilla

   Can I fill my gas tank with Bin Laden's blood?