Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When dogs sniff and pee on a tree, that's like their facebook.

   has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with... "Are you sitting down?"

   that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   ‎...I just dropped a handful of skittles in the toilet and flushed..... it was like watching a Nascar race @ Bristol

   Right now , Satan has Osama bent over and giving him his reward .

   Transformers 3: if you keep saving the world, you will never run out of hot girlfriends..!

   Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.

   This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. 

   I've decided that my years of experience as a Nurse will help me become a millionaire. I've designed a new adult diaper which is as comfortable as a huggie and is made from Sham Wow fabric. I'm calling it "The Sham Pooey".

   Referring back to one of my earlier posts I'm pretty sure I could eat a couple of bowls of Alpha-Bits Cereal and poop out better Rap Lyrics than what's in most Soulja Boy Rap Songs.

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones... Hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...............

   ,"for god so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son,that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life."JOHN 3:16

   I pledge resistance to the Czar of the Divided States of America, and the Communism for which he stands. One Socialist, without God, divisible with healthcare and welfare for all.

   God isn't the problem. The problem is his fan club.

   Hey....Admit it, everyone has a little bit of racism in them. When you do laundry, I bet you all separate the colored from the whites......

   ..it's so cold that Britney Spears made sure she was wearing underwear before she went out.

   got a compliment from the lady at the bank this morning- she said I had an OUTSTANDING balance!!

   George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them. He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called 'Wank me off before your cocoa"