Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   I bet you Randy Moss wishes he could be traded again.

   discovered today, that the man sitting next to her had wet himself.

   Am I the only one thats addicted to air?

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   I am so against picketing, I just don't know how to show it

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos....

   ben rothlisberger's suspension reduced to 4 games ..he is going to celebrate tonioght at a sorority party!

   I'm determined to conquer every obstacle, and make impossible possible. Even when winning is illogical, losing is still far from optional.

   off slapping people with pickles

   If only you knew what I was capable of...

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   Unless I see a tombstone of someone who died for not doing so, I won't 'like' your post to prove "love Jesus" or hate cancer.

   Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!