Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   I am so against picketing, I just don't know how to show it

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos....

   'We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   If beer came in 7 packs, it would be easier to calculate your needs week to week.

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of vuvuzelas suddenly buzzed out in unison and were suddenly silenced.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.

   you know you're having a busy day when you can't find time to update your Facebook status.

   Facebook — where you always have something better to do, but don't.

   it me or 80% of handicap people don't actually suffer any handicapped situations at all.

   Just think of all the millions and millions of people Dr Laura will help by being off the air

   eating Babybels at this special time of year. After all, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the baby cheeses.

   wondering how to get blood and coffee stains off the ceiling

   wonders if anybody else has a thought that they take the time to type out sometimes...then wonder if it's too crazy to actually say...and erase it?

   CAKES: Sexy when you pop out of them, hilarious when you fall into them