Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   Just called the police on my GF, not for a crime, I just want them to remind her she has the right to remain silent

   A guy who takes his wife swimming at a shark infested beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   "What have I done?!! Everybody run!!" -Inventor of the boomerang

   I have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything and Yahoo is a Male , pointless and never works ..

   There's a reason Congress begins with the word con. Con is the oppsosite of pro, so Congress must be the opposite of progress.

   My mum told me once that she judges how good a film is by the number of tissues she gets through....funny really, I have the same system

   Wish Adam would have spent more than just a rib.....

   Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

   I've never seen Scarface, but I have quoted the "little friend" line at some really inappropriate times.

   discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you have the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.

   The hardest question of the weekend...can or bottle?

   The wife is playing Wii table tennis and screaming at the TV. The kids are hiding in their room. LMAO!

   I wish Google knew if he still loved me..

   This weekend: The Oscars, who will make the best dressed list? Who cares? The question I want answered is who will make the best undressed list!

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

   Grand Theft Auto is the only sourse in which I am able to express myself freely without any consequences

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.