Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was messed up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   somewhat skepitical you're laughing out loud as much as you claim.

   going to start a dating site for gangsters. bone thugs and e harmony

   I skinned my elbow on the headboard while making the bed. Does this mean I am dangerous in bed?

   singing.... is singing....old macdonald had tourettes e -i - e -i F%*K!

   Anyone else uncomfortable with how many nipples dogs have?

   every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

   you can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you… *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*

   Men & Women view the world differently. Men view the world as it is, women view it by whatever they make up in their minds and expect men to figure it all out.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

   My sister came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   In the movie of life, I am my own stunt double.

   Face your problems,Don't Facebook them!

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favor of Christianity: grilled cheese with bacon.

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   I don't mind the cold weather but I'm ready for my wife to start shaving her pubes again!