Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your neighbors on their toes. Rename your WiFi network to "surveillance van #3"

   Sometimes I think NASA is making shit up just to see if anyone's listening.

   To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day

   I went to a Muslim strip club last night, everyone was shouting "SHOW US YER FACE"

   A wise man among the ignorant is like a beautiful girl in the company of blind men

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was messed up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   somewhat skepitical you're laughing out loud as much as you claim.

   going to start a dating site for gangsters. bone thugs and e harmony

   I skinned my elbow on the headboard while making the bed. Does this mean I am dangerous in bed?

   singing.... is singing....old macdonald had tourettes e -i - e -i F%*K!

   Anyone else uncomfortable with how many nipples dogs have?

   every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

   you can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you… *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*

   Men & Women view the world differently. Men view the world as it is, women view it by whatever they make up in their minds and expect men to figure it all out.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

   My sister came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.