Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; don't judge a man on some sh*t that you heard about his past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Why do the Scottish wear kilts?.......... Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

   i wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   The train of failure usually runs on the tracks of laziness.

   Happy Valentine's Day...... this statement costs me 5.99 per "like" .... thanks Hallmark....

   Just saw a "dance" pole listed on Craigslist at 10pm Monday, Feb. 14th…opened but not used…unappreciated Valentine gift?

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Hey guy's, don't forget to clear your browser history every 5 minutes just in case that satellite hits you......

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   So, who else here can't open up a bag of "Bugles" without putting one on each finger and pretending to be a bear?

   With all the accomplishments of science like mapping the gnome, spaceships on planets, etc.. You think someone would be able to devise a toothpaste that didn't make orange juice taste like ass. Just sayin'

   rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn't helpful, but it is acceptable.

   A Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he's cute, he's sweet & if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off,

   You can't hide redneck under a three piece suit

   wondering if I can count the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes.

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....