Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Valentine's Day...... this statement costs me 5.99 per "like" .... thanks Hallmark....

   Just saw a "dance" pole listed on Craigslist at 10pm Monday, Feb. 14th…opened but not used…unappreciated Valentine gift?

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Hey guy's, don't forget to clear your browser history every 5 minutes just in case that satellite hits you......

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   So, who else here can't open up a bag of "Bugles" without putting one on each finger and pretending to be a bear?

   With all the accomplishments of science like mapping the gnome, spaceships on planets, etc.. You think someone would be able to devise a toothpaste that didn't make orange juice taste like ass. Just sayin'

   rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn't helpful, but it is acceptable.

   A Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he's cute, he's sweet & if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off,

   You can't hide redneck under a three piece suit

   wondering if I can count the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes.

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....

   New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"

   Those females w a big a$$ who can't sit still in the club. They just have to walk by you 50 times. Yes yes I see it, its big, now sit down.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even convince a girl to sleep with me.

   If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.

   Pro tip: Naming your auto repair establishment "Rim Job" may end up biting you in the A$$

   How much does Morgan Freeman charge to narrate a sex tape?

   Girls are never cuter than when they pretend that they’re easy going at the start of the relationship