Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name & tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.

   dude, she just called you gay. oh hell no!!! hold my purse!!!

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   A friend sticks with you through thick and thin. A best friend tells you if your butt's getting thick.

   I wish I had a dollar, for every dollar I don't have.

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.

   "added new photos to the album ""Porn"" "

   Can't believe 60 Minutes did a whole report on Benghazi w/out interviewing the jerk who's anti-Islam movie got some many people killed...

   being chased by penguins

   relieved. He hasn't seen this many miners rescued since they closed down Neverland.

   'Nelson Mandela dies at 95' Respect where it's due... That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!

   Being white is a gift and a curse. No one suspects me of shoplifting but everyone expects me to know a good casserole recipe.

   Bernie, Bernie, oh Bernie Sanders....he's such an angry old man who needs his medication.

   Hey Democrats, dont let a little Puzzy scare you. If youre not grabbing your womans....Someone else is.

   what Willis was talking about...

   global warming my ass.

   two cannibals are eating a clown...one says, does this taste funny to you???

   If you had sex for 365 days, kept all the condoms and made a tire out of it, what would you call it? A F*CKING GOODYEAR!