Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember food does not replace sex!! Unless of course its Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs :)

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Just wondering why I was getting dirty looks from the clerk at the general store at 4am the other night. All I did was purchase Black garbage bags, duct tape, bleech, and latex gloves.

   Freedom means the right to yell Theater in a crowded fire

   Why do people feel the need to let everyone know that they are deleting numbers out of their phone........Like I really give a FUGG

   this may sound crazy but I got head on my mind ;)

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.

   7 years ago I met the love of my life and have been blessed every day since then... I love you Nutella.

   Finally throwing out my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt.

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?