Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

   Status will update in 5 minutes...If not, read this again...

   2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"

   If things aren't going right, go left

   this may sound crazy but I got head on my mind ;)

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.

   7 years ago I met the love of my life and have been blessed every day since then... I love you Nutella.

   Finally throwing out my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt.

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?