Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NCAA should allow Penn State to continue playing football, but their scores shouldn't be reported for 15 years.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.

   Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.

   how do you scare a bee ? BOO-BEE!

   Why is it that people think they are invisible in their cars while they are picking their noses?

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   When it comes to sex, women who date asians appreciate the smaller things in life.

   The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl

   B0ners are just d!cks that stand up for what they believe in.

   The one person you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun.

   Ladies: Never die a virgin! Apparently when you get to heaven a virgin you get to be one of the 70 wives of a suicide bomber…

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   I wrote a country song for my ex; its called: "I'm Missin' You, but my aim's gettin' better".

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.