Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   If they can't elect a Pope in a week they should declare Overtime...and just play ROCK BIBLE SCISSORS

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.

   The NCAA should allow Penn State to continue playing football, but their scores shouldn't be reported for 15 years.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.

   Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.

   how do you scare a bee ? BOO-BEE!

   Why is it that people think they are invisible in their cars while they are picking their noses?

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   When it comes to sex, women who date asians appreciate the smaller things in life.

   The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.