Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough, that's why we have two hands.

   If you think about it, a boxing match is really just someone trying to count to 10 but they're constantly being interrupted by a fistfight between two other people.

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

   Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.