Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job

   As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

   spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..

   My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby

   Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".