Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Age is just a number ...and mine is unlisted .

   The only resolution I've ever managed to stick with, was when I resolved not to make resolutions I can't stick with.

   Facebook... because moving your fingers is almost like doing something.

   Eat s hit and live! - dung beetles

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   If you look up Shizzle in the dictionary you'll find a picture of me pondering what kind of an idiot would look up Shizzle in a dictionary.

   I don't have any old girlfriends. They're all so young.

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.

   Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   writing fictional textmessages so I won't look like i'm lonely..

   Finds it funny that people really take some of these prescription pills that two of the side effects are swelling of the tongue and death...

   Who needs a brain when you fall deeply in love?

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....

   The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.