Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   Harley Davidson should make motorcycles specifically designed for environmentally conscious owners experiencing midlife crisis.

   I've got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons. Why oh why do I have so many luftballons?!?!

   Yahoo's search engine is just two drunk guys leaning out a third-floor window accousting passerby with your questions.

   The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

   Find an angry person at the bookstore. You can't.

   It’s Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas.

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   The FBI owes General David Petraeus an apology. Heck ... What's good for the Goose ... is also good for the Gander.

   Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.