Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.

   "I want you to know what I'm saying, without having to actually say it." - Women.

   If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.

   i couldn't ever have sex on the front lawn if there wasn't a pink flamingo present.

   Hold still, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me.

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.

   Maybe you're beautiful, or maybe he's horny.

   If you can find the trash can in my kitchen without asking, I just assume you're a wizard.

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   Got into an argument with the ex-wife the other day over her boyfriend helping my son with his 1st grade reading assignment when he was visiting them. I told her I thought my sons reading assignment was beyond her boyfriends comprehension……………â

   I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.

   I get really excited when scrolling through the channel guide and see "Beverly Hills" out of the corner of my eye, then I notice it's 90210 instead of Beverly Hills Cop.

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   I wish I could participate in The Hunger Games against everyone I unfriended on Facebook!

   IT'S NOT EASY BEING A DIVA!!! It's a real workout...my heart starts pumping and I break a sweat thinking of the day I have of cleaning...and then suddenly remembering my housekeeper already did it for me. I nearly threw my back out getting back in bed!

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Her: Your Not listening!!!! Me: How can I listen to you if you dont say the things I want to hear...Woman????

   Maybe the Mayans meant it'd be the end of shows like Idol, all things Kardashian & every reality show with "Wives" in the title.

   I'm not allowed to have caffeine after 9 because midnight dance-offs have a high casualty rate.

   I once stopped a woman's hiccups by pinching her nipple, I had no idea if it would work but guys will think of anything to touch a boob.