Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A little choking never killed nobody

   There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.

   Don't forget to stay in your unfulfilling relationships today.

   I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

   I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.

   Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.

   Cleaning with dogs in your house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

   I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   Sometimes poeple want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   If you're on vacation in some exotic place, just be cool and post 1 or 2 pictures a day. I don't need a rolling archive of your hipster Cambodian holiday while I'm watching 'Making A Murderer" alone on the couch.

   City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....

   14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.

   Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.

   In the news today Amanda Bynes got a haircut. Why is this news, who the f#uck is she and who the f#ck cares. . .

   Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding?!?! Was it for Child Support?? Kidnapping?? Murder??

   Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???

   I have a great idea for improving Coldplay concerts. Stop the show halfway through and feature a 15 minute football game.

   I'm so old...I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor!