Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   Finally, OJ can go after Nicole's murderer.

   forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"