Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.

   I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.

   So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July?

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe!

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   One man's trash is another man's profile picture.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.