Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.

   this new "space force" we're going to have....will basic training include making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.