Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this new "space force" we're going to have....will basic training include making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time

   I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.