Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.

   I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!

   Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.