Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.

   Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!