Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   William Shatner (capt Kirk) will be staring in a new sitcom based on a twitter feed. This isn't the first show inspired by social networking. "Dateline Predator" was based on Myspace.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   watching Bear Grylls to get new ideas for my grocery list.

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

   Sometimes life is hell. But hey! Whatever gets the marshmallows toasty.

   Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

   I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   if any body needs me I will be over here waiting for football season