Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.

   "okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   cleaned up friend list..if you see this I guess I missed one!

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   Boy.... That sure is a lot of attitude for someone wearing panda ear rings.

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!