Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm have been required to open fire three times..........they won a goldfish,teddybear and inflateable hammer!

   I'm dressing up as the ghost of the 2011 NBA season. It's not like anyone is gonna see me or care to see me anyway.

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.

   "okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   cleaned up friend list..if you see this I guess I missed one!

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Thursday...the point when you can start getting a bit giddy about the weekend!

   To think, it takes time. To think what to think takes even more time. To think what you just read takes less time.

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.