Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.

   "okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   cleaned up friend list..if you see this I guess I missed one!

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   Thursday...the point when you can start getting a bit giddy about the weekend!

   To think, it takes time. To think what to think takes even more time. To think what you just read takes less time.

   We have a saying in our house. Well, to be accurate my wife has a saying. I have a listening.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~

   Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!