Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me

   So 50 Cent is all he's worth now?

   A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

   One day...Ima log onto social media and not see anything Kardashian/Jenner related. One day..

   I have come to the conclusion that all women are bipolar. Thats the only sensible explanation.

   I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.

   Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

   Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

   I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .

   Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

   My neighbor OD'd on Viagra. His wife took it really hard

   When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.:)

   I wish these kids would stop crying. I won the Eater egg hunt fair and square.

   My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."

   "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas!!!

   I'm sorry I pushed you away... things were just going too well for my liking.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out