Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.

   When I say I'm off the market, I mean I was recalled.

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   Sitting here watching the "Biggest Loser" season finale... uh, thought I would see the Broncos....

   Ok now the people answerring the idiot are pissing me off!

   A real gentleman helps a woman find her panties.

   I think guys are not telling their women how beautiful and gorgeous they are often enough, otherwise how do you explain these countless selfies with self-aggrandizing captions.

   A busy tongue is good tongue,when it's not being used for talking.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   Congrats on your 100th problem Jay-Z!!

   there, Ebay password changed........Forgot it already!

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   If I've learned anything from the Kardashians... it's that I shouldn't let my complete lack of talent hold me back. Now who wants to make some porn. . .

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   You make me want to be a drunker person