Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think guys are not telling their women how beautiful and gorgeous they are often enough, otherwise how do you explain these countless selfies with self-aggrandizing captions.

   A busy tongue is good tongue,when it's not being used for talking.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   Congrats on your 100th problem Jay-Z!!

   there, Ebay password changed........Forgot it already!

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   If I've learned anything from the Kardashians... it's that I shouldn't let my complete lack of talent hold me back. Now who wants to make some porn. . .

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   You make me want to be a drunker person

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   Once upon a time, I used to care what people said about me.

   Must be giraffe hunting season or something ....

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her

   New Rule: If it fits in a handbag it's not a dog

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting their second child. They say they don’t care whether it’s a boy or girl just as long as it’s famou