Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   that you shouldn't base your life on what other people think!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   doesn't allow men to smoke in his room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   drunker then a two dollar hooker on topless tuesday.."

   sad that '24' is coming to an end after 8 seasons. I have given 8 whole days of my life to this series.

   just got a 'friend request' from Dr. Phil as suggested by another friend....Hmmmm, is this friend trying to tell me something???

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

   When the world kicks you when you're down, breaks its legs.

   do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.

   May your troubles last as long as your New Years Resolutions!

   just stole the lint outta your dryer to create a snuggie