Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read that movie theatre popcorn is very buttery and unhealthy, in other news..water is wet! :D

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.

   May your troubles last as long as your New Years Resolutions!

   just stole the lint outta your dryer to create a snuggie

   No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

   I smile because I don't know what's going on.

   I'm sorry liver...its St Patricks day. You can file the restraining order tomorrow.

   "if you dont expect anything, you wont be let down"- Magean Brents

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Did you know that if you plug your nose and close your mouth, you can't hum? Try it.

   thinking about trick or treating at the local brothel this Sunday. That way I can have both and don't have to choose.

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.