Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Did you know that if you plug your nose and close your mouth, you can't hum? Try it.

   thinking about trick or treating at the local brothel this Sunday. That way I can have both and don't have to choose.

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   pretending he is driving on a dirt road in Hazzard county..Yee-Hawww!

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.