Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car.

   I'd like to title myself as self unemployed ...

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.

   Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.

   Honey, why don't you take a break, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.

   Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...

   Dear paranoid ppl who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?

   I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!

   Since the UPS guy won't knock on my door like he should, I'm going to put a motion activated taser by the door. When I hear the THUD, I'll go get my package.

   Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!

   Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...

   gonna take the Christmas lights down...

   I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!

   My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

   Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."