Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations!. :(

   Part of me says "I can wear my sunglasses at night"...But the other part says "Fool you know you clumsy enough in the daytime"...

   Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy

   Ed Hardy makes the "find the douchebag" game really easy.

   An old man said "Erasers r made 4 those who make mistakes." A youth replied "Erasers r made 4 those who r willing 2 correct their mistakes!!" Attitude matters!!

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   my thong is trying to get to 5th base

   Life isn't worth living for, unless you have something worth dying for.

   I do not look at porn online. I watch online videos where people are so happy to see each other they make love naked.

   All I want for Christmas is you...hit by a bus!

   Nobody likes the person that asks, "Well, where did you put it last?"

   Muggers are gay. I mean how does a grown ass man want my purse?

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.

   This traffic cop obviously has not heard that 60 is the new 30...

   Ghandi, MLK and Nelson Mandela are heroes of mine because they preached non-violence and also I don't think they wore Tap Out t-shirts.

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car.

   I'd like to title myself as self unemployed ...

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.