Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.

   We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   So let me get this straight...The new twenty dollar bill is going to feature Harriet Tubman using the men's room at a target?

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   ☑-Single ☐-Taken ☑- Available for rebound Sex.

   Derrick Rose?? More like Derrick Pansy...

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Violently cry singing Queen's Somebody To Love is my cardio.

   A faulty judgement or bad IQ?!

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again

   ... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."

   Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat...now THAT'S bad for you.

   I just hid my teenage son's Christmas gifts behind the vacuum, in the dishwasher and next to the trash can that needs to be taken out.....guaranteed he will never find them!

   My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!