Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   needs a hero! If not then at least a BLT....I'm hungry.

   Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela

   We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

   I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can't make it stop.

   Every Morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's Dad." It's hard having a 5 year old who doesn't KNOW.

   not a Russian spy; regardless of what the news says!

   If you've seen one child on a leash, you've seen a mall

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   ...is about as useful today as an appendix transplant...

   How come Batman doesn't sleep upside down?

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   How about you climb down from your high pedestal and join the rest of us! This is where you belong anyways...

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   I can't believe there are so many privacy risks involved in broadcasting my entire life on Facebook