Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Football is on. I'll talk to you guys in February.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"

   You are a soul driving a meat-covered-skeleton made of stardust hurtling through space on an organic spaceship. Fear nothing.

   A Google Chrome add-on that allows you to remove mentions and photos of the Kardashians from your browser

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   A fool spends his entire life denying that he is a fool. A wise man accepts and embraces that he is a fool.

   How long does someone have to be in a coma before you can eat their fries?

   my Facebook fans are waiting on a funny.... Come on people get with it.

   My left butt cheek fell asleep. I'm half-assing every thing I do at work today.

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

   I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.

   I would probably enjoy rough sex a lot more if I wasn't always alone.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?

   Someone hacked my online bank account and now I have to change my dog's name.

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"