Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food

   I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.

   what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)

   "What's worse than voices in your head?" When the voices don't Speak-English.

   i still dont know how to use the three seashells....

   Rice is good for when you want like, two thousand of something.

   When skinny women bend over to tie their shoes, They look like flip phones.

   sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind

   My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"

   Putting a friends name on your status update box on accident while searching for them is pretty funny for all your friends and family to see. Unless your friend is a Porn Site.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.

   Cant wait till "National Balls Cancer Awareness Month" so I can confuse you ladies and talk about my cravings...

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   I feel a spree coming on... Now its up to you.... Shopping or Killing?

   If people fall in love with you too late, don't accept that love; Its after effects are annoying. It means there are some hidden problems with you or with that person.

   Sir-Mix-A-Lot wasn’t even that clever. All babies have backs.

   If I ain't invited to dinner I could care less about what you made!

   They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.