Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.

   why are all black men fast??..... because all the slow ones are in prison

   going crazy...Want to come?

   S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   if I was a squirrel, and you were a tree I would store my nuts in your hole.

   If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

   on Team Conan.

   doesn't want you to be upset that I want to punch you in the face, be flattered that I want to touch you at all.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   Justin Bieber nominated 4 two Grammys? Well, you go girl.

   RIP Jack LaLanne: Will he be buried, cremated or juiced?

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   Through technical scientific research, I have discovered a direct correlation between the size of a woman's breasts and how mentally unstable she is. The bigger the boobs, the bigger the crazy.

   I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!

   Have you ever seen a girl so ugly you kept expecting "In The Arms Of The Angels" to start playing?

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!