Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why are all black men fast??..... because all the slow ones are in prison

   going crazy...Want to come?

   S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   if I was a squirrel, and you were a tree I would store my nuts in your hole.

   If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

   on Team Conan.

   doesn't want you to be upset that I want to punch you in the face, be flattered that I want to touch you at all.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   Justin Bieber nominated 4 two Grammys? Well, you go girl.

   RIP Jack LaLanne: Will he be buried, cremated or juiced?

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   never really understood why Clark Griswold lusted after Christie Brinkley, when he had a smoking hot wife like Beverly D'Angelo!!

   Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   If Will.I.Am's tombstone doesn't say "Will.I.Was", I will be very disappointed.

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   Most of the Ferguson folks these days seem to be white journalists desperately hoping for violence.