Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.

   If the Chinese are so advanced why haven't they started eating with knives and forks yet?

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts I'm grabbing a big hammer and running straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   Compassion is the basis of morality.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   Which wine pairs best with murderous rage?

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.

   President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.

   It's so cold I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets...

   Really? Snooki is going to be IN the ball as it descends on NYE?!? And the cast of the Jersey Shore will lead a fist pump? Does Al Qaeda have a request line??

   gonna have to go fight the holiday crowds at Wal-Mart. hmm.. Long Bow or Broad Sword?

   You have no idea how bad I want to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street!....Just Sayin...

   I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil

   I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.