Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in the frozen food section at Sam's looking for horny milfs with erect nipples

   To be TOGETHER, you need TO-GET-HER

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   On a dark dessert highway, Cool Whip in my hair....

   I might not be prince charmin honey and you're not a fairy princess... so stop acting like that vajaja is gold plated. . .

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.

   If the Chinese are so advanced why haven't they started eating with knives and forks yet?

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts I'm grabbing a big hammer and running straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   Compassion is the basis of morality.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   Which wine pairs best with murderous rage?

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.

   President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.

   It's so cold I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets...