Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's still petty good.

   I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

   has decided that instead of flipping off these idiot drivers I'm just going to blow them a kiss instead.

   This beer just accepted my friend request!

   Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help

   Wal Mart is a scary place after dark

   If you get drunk, don't worry. I'll let my sex drive.

   This is a RAKE & SHOVEL conversation. No HOES allowed! :)

   Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire

   Remembers the time when we memorized phone numbers of our friends, family, and spouses. Now we can't even remember our parents' numbers without looking down at the phone.

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, SHE'S UP"!

   bored..going to start deleting people who dont reply within minutes of my texts

   playing cards is a lot like marriage...if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   We will soon begin boarding for rapture flight 4287 with direct service to heaven. We will begin with those passengers who are traveling with small children or require assistance. Not so fast Stephen Hawking.

   Ever see someone in a hurry and they do that last little mad dash to their final destination? How much time does that save.....2.3 seconds?

   Never tell anyone about your problems-90% don't care about them, 8% are glad you have them, and the remaining 2% will charge you 200$ or more an hour to listen to them"

   Charlie Sheen wants 10 million for a tell all book.....or a kilo of blow.

   FACEBOOK asks me what I'm thinking, TWITTER asks me what I'm doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend!

   Karma is fair - you will get what you give.