Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   Just turned a dollar into two. Now arguing with lady at lotto stand as to why I can't have my pic on their "Wall of winners"

   My Bucket List : #1. Rock down to "Electric-Avenue" #2. then take it higher..................(that's all I've got so far)

   "Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.

   FACEBOOK; exposing the idiots among us since September 26, 2006.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   Manti Teo and the 40 yard dash in 4.8 2 seconds he said he would have ran it faster if he wasn't carrying his girlfriend

   Basketball. Pfft. Running back and forth. Making passes. Dribbling. I do that every Friday night.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea, besides the destroyer......we've sent the B52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   Free hugs! (Deluxe hugs $2.00)

   You women are beautiful creatures I love you all , but by god you scare the sh*t out of me with the way you feed on souls and happiness.

   If you don’t go down on your girl. Stop being worried if she’s cheating on you or not. She is.

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   How about they make a film that makes these ppl give us free oil?

   The NFL is the new WWE

   My lawyer friend prefers to be called an attorney...but I still prefer douchebag!

   you remind me of monday. No one likes it either.

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   what a night it was.. I did the fox-trot, cha-cha, galop, paso-doble, and even the zapateado!!... I must of stepped on 5 damned leggo's on my way to the bathroom last night