Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

   What if somebody finds the missing plane tomorrow but no one believes them because April fools....?

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   "Psssssssssssssss" ~ The sound of Richard Sherman's ego being deflated by Tom Brady

   Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!!

   Dear Leonard Nimoy. As much as I hate to see you go, thanks for upstaging that stupid "Dress Color Controversy" thing on Facebook. It's black and blue, by the way.

   Well, it's that time of the year again when the $150 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of socks.

   If you love something, let it go.... Except a dog. Or, a balloon. Or, a baby stroller. Actually, don't let anything go, that's stupid.

   My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

   The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

   Ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.