Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You did WHAT?? With WHO?? Behind WHAT barn?? For how many COOKIES!?!?

   Apple Bottom Jeans,Turban With The Fur,Got The Whole Mosque Looking At Her....

   girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

   I can't believe I missed the Breaking Bad finale. And, every other single episode...

   Westly Snipes should have never gone to prison for a misdemeanor convection! How about locking up some of the bankers who crashed the economy?

   If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.

   I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.

   ladies, is your computer running slow? There's a simple fix: PUT OUT MORE! Your man is downloading too much porn!

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   Ale-Ale-Andro, Judas, Juda-ah-ah, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, Te-Te-Te-Telephone... I think lady gaga has a studdering problem.

   Obama's Farewell Speech...You had me at goodbye!

   Having not ever watched Mega Kelly on FOX, I'm pleased to announce that I will now not be watching her on NBC.

   And in other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.

   My secret special ingredient herb for my stuffing is, Marijuana. . .

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That's somebody's daughter.

   Thank you for the insprational quotes, but back to the funny.